Dear dad Manos,
you left me.

You gave into your pain, your fears, your demons, you dove so far into the darkness i’m not sure you can see the light that surrounds you… im not sure you will ever see it.

It’s a shame you are so oblivious to it that you’re going to end up losing everything.

In truth, you’ve lost me, my respect. That doesn’t mean I don’t pray for your healing, that I don’t send you love but I can give you me, no longer will you steal my time, my thoughts and my joy, I cant give you energy.

You’ve brought me so much pain, it swallowed my light for so long. It swallowed my trust, my compassion, my natural light of giving. You have no idea the damage you left with me everyday, the work I have had to put in to find myself again.. to realise how much of my past is not my fault. You were the adult… the ‘parent’. I’m not blaming you for everything, at some point we have to take responsibility for how we deal with our past, how we move forward and who no longer has a place in our lives.

You taught me many things- some things I have to unlearn, love does not lead to abandonment, I do not have to silence my voice!

Along with what kind of person I want to be, the life I want to lead and the things I have to be mindful of.

I am so sorry you are so wrapped up in the stories you tell yourself that you cant see the potential you have or that peace lives beside you, waiting, begging you to listen, even such close near death experiences haven’t woken you up, instead you have continued to listen to the violence and suffering.

Only today did it hit me that my inner child was still trying to protect a false image of you. I always said you never harmed me… but that’s not true..before April 2018 you may not have physically harmed me personally but you mentally and emotionally and verbally abused me for 26 years and just before that 27th year, you added physical, it might be classed as minor… but it was enough.. the energy behind it, I cant forget it, it confirmed my choices to step away were right.

I think the reason it pains me was that, maybe, was my last false hope for our relationship. It confirmed that 13 year old me, her intuition was right, she can be trusted, her feelings are valid. No good can come from this toxic situation for me. You are not willing to change or learn or grow. You are not willing to heal yourself and become better- no one can do that or be that for you.

Its a shame you are so busy pitying yourself instead of fighting for yourself. All your anger, rage, violence, lies, deceit, its all directed outwards because your not facing what’s inside, you are stuck in a cycle of constant abuse to yourself and those around you.

The biggest shame is that deep down you are a good man, but, you’ve become so lost and disconnected, all I can do is pity you and grieve the father I never really had.

My inner child needs to know its not her fault. She wasn’t un-loveable, unworthy or bad, she was sensitive, loving and kind and continued to find the best in people even if it meant losing sight of the best in her.

Now its time for her to realise she is worth more. She deserves more and she is one of the most fiercely loving people and she deserves to give herself that too.

I hope one day you chose to heal and to grow and to evolve. Until the we cannot have any part in each others lives. I cannot fix you and you will not continue to break me.

Should you chose to move forward, heal yourself, really commit to change, ill listen, but until such a time comes, which in truth I feel it wont, I am out..

You may be biologically my dad…but you are no father to me..
I know these may sound harsh and it is not meant to, it is merely a fact, being a father is so much more then making a human..

-Gabriella Cole –