I dont know where to start, so i guess first i’ll say, i am lucky and i am grateful to have a doctor that i trust and was willing to listen and understand, I am lucky and grateful that this doctor knew me when i was in my early teens, he knows the kind of person I am,

He moved practices and I didnt know he was at the new doctors i am at until i checked in for my appoitnment, relief washed over me when I saw his name on the screen, I was already nervous and overwhelmed about my appointment, I cried in the waiting room, completely unexpected, it overwhelmed me like a surging wave in the ocean it swept over me and i couldnt hold it anymore.

This was probably a good thing, it showed It was time, that i was in the right place, that my mind, body and soul needed me to be here, it couldnt be strong any more.

I walked in and he smiled his greeting warmly and asked what was wrong and how could he help, not many words came out of my mouth before more tears escaped and i explained, i was depressed and had been for longer then i had first realised, that i couldnt fix it on my own, that i couldnt be strong any more, that i could hold the wall from crumbling, that i was always there for everyone else and would never judge anyone, in fact i would say to them the courage and strength it takes to ask for help,,, but,., for me… i hated not being able to fix it on my own, it made me feel uselsss and weak…all the things i would never think of someone else…yet somehow i felt acceptable to bully myself for.

His compassion, understanding and kindness, I have no words to express my gratitude. He listened, he explained, he said they had an in house councellor who was very good and that we need to get to the root cause of our problems to heal from them and move forward, which i agreed and have always agreed with, wholeheartedly, i couldnt do it on my own any more and i was glad to be offered a guiding hand.

He also prescribed me tablets to help balance me out, help lift me so that I could face and be ready to begin this new journey of healing and growth I was at a point where, if anything was suggested to help, even a fraction, i would try it without judgement on myself and i am SO glad that I let go and allowed myself this help. I didnt know if and how much of a different these tablets would make.

Its been a month….I have a long way to go, i have a lot left to heal but in honesty, I had forgotten what it was like to be me, i had forgotten what it felt like to not want to cry every moment of every day, I had forgotten my smile, what a real embrace felt like., the warmth that comes from connection and touch. I had forgotten what it was like to be in company and not constantly be battling every single thought, to not feel permently disconnected and never really laughing and smiling from my sooul, from myself.

Im still not full there but those moments….those moments when i realise i have had a whole day…feeling…normal…. not feeling the elephant on my chest, the flood behind my eyes trying to break past the dam,.. to be feeling me…my true self…. i have no words for my gratitude… i have NO SHAME in taking these tablets.

If it means what i feel it means… if it means i can be ME and remember my DREAMS and LIVE MY LIFE AND FEEL MY LIFE… my heart overflows. Im overwhelmed.

I want people to know that the right help is out there, that you dont have to feel alone, you dont have to live everyday in pain and sadness, there is HOPE.

and while you try and find it, I want to be here reminding you of it, holding your hand and sharing my hope and light with you.

Love always
G xoxo