To the friends I lost when my mental health struggled and to the friends that don’t understand why our relationship has changed because of it.

I want to start off by saying I’m so fortunate and grateful to have a few amazing, close, understanding and compassionate friends, whom without I’m really not sure where I’d be right now.

The thing I found was a few people who I was originally close to, seemed to distance themselves from me when I wasn’t my usual happy bubbly self, at first I didn’t think much of it, probably because I hadn’t recognised the sadness in myself yet, during that time although I noticed their distance I didn’t think much of it, mainly because depression often makes you numb to emotion and you don’t really care about anything but ..you do care about everything..

The absence grewinto an abys but by then I barely had energy for myself let alone to question, explain or fix a clearly fractured friendship. The ones who stood by me were my glue. They kept me going on days where I was nothing but black clouds and negativity. They did things like come round just to say hi or paint my nails. They text me just to say they loved me. They got my shopping on days my anxiety wouldn’t allow me.

I understand I wasn’t fun to be around, I rarely repliedto messages and those I did where short, minimal, unexprrssive and often trying to avoid any form of conversation. So I understand why some may have distanced themselves or thought I’d change etcetc and in truth I did change, I have changed.

I think that’s what’s difficult about when those friends reappear when you’re energy isn’t as low as it was, because they haven’t always noticed that they distanced themselves, sometimes they haven’t realised they left you when you needed them most.. so it can be hard for them to understand why you’re  different, why you struggle to reconnect with them. They weren’t there for your darkest days and so often you’re still fighting daily, the small reserves you have are for you and for those that stayed close, that love you dearly and whom you love back.

It can be hard to have the conversation, it can be hard to know if your capable of reconnecting, if you can reconnect, so much has changed, you’ve been through so much and grown in such a way that few understand, you’re like the flower that breaks through the concrete, a little wonky but new and still beautiful, just in a different place, learning to survive in a different way.

You have to do things differently and not everyone will be able to understand and stay by you… and that’s ok.. that doesn’t make them any less kind or loving, it doesn’t make them bad, it just means things changed.