Things people around me don’t get about my depression and anxiety.

At the moment, even a ‘good’ day externally is a battle internally
I am not going to share every time I can feel the anxiety rising in me
Nor when I get overwhelmed by sadness
Not even when I am on the brink of a panic attack.
Not because I don’t trust in your kindness and support
but because I want to deal with it, I want to breathe.
I don’t want to succumb to it.
I don’t want your sympathy to so beautiful that I can’t fight back the tears.
Not because I fear it makes me weak.
Not even because I know so many of you have your own shit to deal with,
But because I want to learn to handle it,
I want to learn what triggers it,
I want to learn how to stop it, to get through it and to come out stronger.
I want to help others.
I talk to you when I feel ready and I am grateful that you allow me to.
I don’t feel it benefits you or me to verbalise ever time my anxiety is building and I can’t face the thought of some one standing next to me, let alone touching or comforting me.
I don’t see, yet, how it helps to tell you that I need to wear earphones when in crowded places more often then not lately because the sounds are overwhelming and my music is soothing.
When I am on the brink of a panic attack and my whole body is screaming and crying and shaking inside, I just want to breathe, in. Out. In. Out. I don’t want to burst into uncontrollable, sobbing hysteria when all we were doing was walking.

This might not be the best way to move forward.
But for now…
For now, my best outlet,
My best way of understanding all of this is to write, to analyse, to create and to talk when I feel ready.

All you can do for now, is be here.
Even if you don’t understand (which i hope you don’t because that means you have experienced it or something similar) to know you are here, to know you will just sit with me, to know you will listen and know that I am not asking for you to fix me, that’s my job. That is what I am working on.
I just need you to be you.

P.s. To my friends who have done the above, you know who you are, I love you and I will be eternally grateful for your beautiful, brave and kind hearts <3